Mother's Day Parshat Emor

Rabbi Philip Weintraub

Congregation Agudas Israel

Parshat Emor May 9, 2015

Our Torah reading this morning opens chapter 21 of the book of Leviticus, Vayikra, and is right in the middle of the Holiness Code.  While much of the parsha deals with the festive calendar or sacrifices, the opening deals with priests and death.  From some of your previous clergy, you might remember that some kohanim do not enter cemeteries except in very specific circumstances.  Parshat Emor opens with those circumstances.

The parsha opens:

וַיֹּאמֶר ה’’ אֶל-מֹשֶׁה, אֱמֹר אֶל-הַכֹּהֲנִים בְּנֵי אַהֲרֹן; וְאָמַרְתָּ אֲלֵהֶם, לְנֶפֶשׁ לֹא-יִטַּמָּא בְּעַמָּיו.	1 The Lord said to Moses: Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: None shall defile himself for any [dead] person among his kin,
ב  כִּי, אִם-לִשְׁאֵרוֹ, הַקָּרֹב, אֵלָיו:  לְאִמּוֹ וּלְאָבִיו, וְלִבְנוֹ וּלְבִתּוֹ וּלְאָחִיו.	2 except for the relatives that are closest to him: his mother, his father, his son, his daughter, and his brother
ג  וְלַאֲחֹתוֹ הַבְּתוּלָה הַקְּרוֹבָה אֵלָיו, אֲשֶׁר לֹא-הָיְתָה לְאִישׁ--לָהּ, יִטַּמָּא.	also for an unmarried sister, close to him because she has not married, for her he may defile himself

Looking at most biblical texts, women are not the first mentioned.  In the Aseret Ha-dibrot, the Ten Commandments, the order is reversed:

יא  כַּבֵּד אֶת-אָבִיךָ, וְאֶת-אִמֶּךָ --לְמַעַן, יַאֲרִכוּן יָמֶיךָ, עַל הָאֲדָמָה, אֲשֶׁר-ה’’ אֱלהֶיךָ נתֵן לָךְ.

11 Honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. {S}

So why is a priest’s mother mentioned first? Looking at various commentaries, I did not find many comments on the order. In The Torah: A Women’s Commentary, they saw it as a literary device, noting that in verse eleven, the order is reversed to have the father first.  Elsewhere in The JPS Torah Commentary (Leviticus), they noted it as an exception to the rule saying “that in familial contexts, deference is shown to the mother.” (Levine, p. 125)  Levine continues that in comparison to the Ten Commandments when the father comes first “amount to an equitable estimation of both parents” (Ibid).  Personally, I think this is a reference to the primary importance of mothers.  Without a mother, there is no child!  In our tradition the respect and honor of our parents is not just appropriate, but a commandment!

Looking in the Talmud, Kiddushin 31b has several conversations about respecting parents.  We are commanded to respect our parents, to provided them with food and drink, clothe them, house them and transport them.  We are not to embarrass our parents--neither in public nor in private.  Even if our parents insult us, we are not to respond inappropriately.

In this country, Anna Jarvis, fought for the creation of Mother’s Day, and then fought against its commercialization.  She tried to start a boycott of florists for their price gouging and railed against the card manufacturers.  For her, the holiday was not about gifts or tokens of appreciation, but about actual recognition of those who created and sustained life.  Hearing that the average Mother’s Day gift is $170, I wondered what would really show appreciation. http://time.com/money/3838824/mothers-day-gift/ It seems that the challenge with Mother’s Day is that it is a single day.  To really show our appreciation, we must show this honor and respect throughout the year.  If we limit it to a single day, we are taking honor away from our mothers instead of adding to it!

Thinking about tomorrow, a day that celebrates mothers, I am grateful for all the mothers in my life.  I think of my wife, who spends virtually every waking hour with our daughter.  I think of my mother-in-law who blessed me with the gift of my wife.  I think of my own mom, who supported me in more ways than I can begin to imagine.  I think of her mom, whose ninetieth birthday I will celebrate tomorrow.  Then I think of the mothers no longer with us, my Dad’s mom, great-grandmothers who I just barely remember.  I look around the room and celebrate with all of you, yet mourn those no longer with us.  As we celebrate those mothers that are with us, we are called to remember those who are not here today.  

Mothers are important.  They care, nurture, provide for.  They love, protect, defend.  They come in all shapes and sizes, varieties.  Whether biological, adopted, foster, honorary, mothers are the source of their children’s lives.  Yes, fathers play important roles, but we’ll talk about them another day.  Come back in June, Dads!

I do not want to belabor my point, which is thanks and respect.  Children are grateful in moments.  They do not show respect all the time.  They do not say thanks often enough.  So to all the mothers out there, I offer my gratitude.  You helped shape your children into the people they are.  You had and have an influence.  You are appreciated, even if not frequently enough acknowledged.  Hopefully this year we will all learn the real lesson of Mother’s Day--that it is not just one day, but every day!  Shabbat Shalom.

Are you a listener or a solver? Are they mutually exclusive?

Rabbi Philip Weintraub

Congregation Agudas Israel

Parshat Vaera

12/28/2013

What does it mean to be listener or a leader?  When do they overlap and when are they different categories? In our parsha, Va’era, we hear about the dynamics of Gd, Moses, Aaron and later on, Pharaoh.  

In this parsha (and others), we find Moshe as a reluctant leader.  He feels that he does not have the necessary skills.  He is not a comfortable speaker.  He fears people will not listen to him or will not respect him.  He goes to his mentor, GD, with these concerns and GD does not seem to respond.

י  וַיְדַבֵּר ה", אֶל-מֹשֶׁה לֵּאמֹר.	10 And the LORD spoke unto Moses, saying:
יא  בֹּא דַבֵּר, אֶל-פַּרְעֹה מֶלֶךְ מִצְרָיִם; וִישַׁלַּח אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, מֵאַרְצוֹ.	11 'Go in, speak unto Pharaoh king of Egypt, that he let the children of Israel go out of his land.'
יב  וַיְדַבֵּר מֹשֶׁה, לִפְנֵי ה" לֵאמֹר:  הֵן בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, לֹא-שָׁמְעוּ אֵלַי, וְאֵיךְ יִשְׁמָעֵנִי פַרְעֹה, וַאֲנִי עֲרַל שְׂפָתָיִם.  {פ}	12 And Moses spoke before the LORD, saying: 'Behold, the children of Israel have not hearkened unto me; how then shall Pharaoh hear me, who am of uncircumcised lips?' {P}
יג  וַיְדַבֵּר ה", אֶל-מֹשֶׁה וְאֶל-אַהֲרֹן, וַיְצַוֵּם אֶל-בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְאֶל-פַּרְעֹה מֶלֶךְ מִצְרָיִם--לְהוֹצִיא אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם.  {ס}	13 And the LORD spoke unto Moses and unto Aaron, and gave them a charge unto the children of Israel, and unto Pharaoh king of Egypt, to bring the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt. {S}

GD seems to ignore Moses’ concern.  Yet, he now begins to speak to Aaron, as well.  In effect, Gd appoints Aaron as Moses’ spokesperson, and then continues as if nothing happened!  The rest of the chapter details genealogies and it is not until chapter 7 that we hear more about this appointment.  There we hear:

א  וַיֹּאמֶר ה" אֶל-מֹשֶׁה, רְאֵה נְתַתִּיךָ אֱלֹהִים לְפַרְעֹה; וְאַהֲרֹן אָחִיךָ, יִהְיֶה נְבִיאֶךָ.	1 And the LORD said unto Moses: 'See, I have set thee in God's stead to Pharaoh; and Aaron thy brother shall be thy prophet.
ב  אַתָּה תְדַבֵּר, אֵת כָּל-אֲשֶׁר אֲצַוֶּךָּ; וְאַהֲרֹן אָחִיךָ יְדַבֵּר אֶל-פַּרְעֹה, וְשִׁלַּח אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל מֵאַרְצוֹ.	2 Thou shalt speak all that I command thee; and Aaron thy brother shall speak unto Pharaoh, that he let the children of Israel go out of his land.
ג  וַאֲנִי אַקְשֶׁה, אֶת-לֵב פַּרְעֹה; וְהִרְבֵּיתִי אֶת-אֹתֹתַי וְאֶת-מוֹפְתַי, בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם.	3 And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt.

So on the one hand, Gd was a clear leader.  Gd heard Moses’ concern and immediately addressed it.  Gd solved the problem, forcing Moses to confront his issues and move on.

I wonder how this method of mentoring would work in the modern day.  If I were to go to one of my rabbinic colleagues/mentors, I would hope they would address my concerns, rather than just fixing them.  Yet, Gd does exactly that.  

When we hear a problem are we supposed to fix it or listen and allow the person to make their own plan?

Regarding this issue we sometimes speak about gender dynamics.  Whether true or not, some say that “women listen” and “men fix.”  I am sure we could find dozens of examples where this is absolutely true or absolutely false, but I think that ideally, listening and fixing are two very important tools in our interpersonal toolbox.

As most of you know, one of the ways I continue my rabbinic education is through clinical-pastoral education, CPE.  CPE is a program that focuses on listening.  We are to be non-judgmental, calming presences.  The focus is on hearing people where they are.  It is not about doing nothing, but about helping the person feel their feelings, recognize their situation and decide what they need to do.  Rather than giving a person the “answer”, the focus is on helping them discover their choices for themselves.  Being present and allowing them to consider their own feelings or choices can be very powerful, especially when one is present with people who rarely get to consider their own actions or feelings.

On the other hand, there are many cases when giving a solution is quite helpful.  In the military, it is much better for soldiers to follow orders than to write their own.  In an operating room, the surgeon tells those around her what they need to do.  In one’s own home, sometimes it is better for a parent to say “this is what we are having for dinner.”

At the same time, Rashi, our friendly medieval rabbi and commentator, writes that the midrash emphasizes that Pharaoh must be spoken to with respect to his position.  Even as Gd commands them to tell Pharaoh “let my people go”, he reminds them that they must respect the dignity due to his office.  (This is a lesson many in politics should remember!)  Yet, it is not just for those in positions of power.  When we talk to others, whether we are listening or trying to solve their problems, we must show them the appropriate respect.  I think this says a lot about the Jewish tradition that even as Gd helped the Jewish people leave Egypt, with all of the signs and wonders, we were still concerned about Pharaoh’s feelings and public image!

I read an article recently about parenting.  It was about how a father interacted with his children.  As they were growing up, he would regularly advise them how to deal with different situations.  After awhile, he realized he was missing out.  He was not giving them the space to discover their own solutions.  One day he decided to try just listening.  He found out that his children had gained great problem-solving skills in spite of him.  When given the opportunity, they could find their own way to reason.  He also discovered that sometimes a problem did not need to be solved at all.  Sometimes his children just wanted him to empathize, to acknowledge that teenage life (like all life) isn’t always fair, that friends can be mean and frustrating.

In the Jewish tradition, shalom bayit, peace in the home is a very important value.  It is so important that Gd told a lie of omission to Abraham to preserve his peace with Sarah!  In the interests of shalom bayit, sometimes it can be helpful for partners to think about what kind of conversation they are having.  Do they want their spouse to ONLY listen and empathize OR do they want suggestions OR somewhere in between?  

Gd and Moses in THIS place in Torah offer us one model, but it is NOT the only one.

Questions to ponder:

Are there sources in the Torah that demonstrate empathetic listening?

How do we decide what model to use in any given situation.