Rabbi Philip Weintraub
Congregation Agudas Israel
October 4, 2016
Where does kindness fit into a Jewish life?
A few weeks ago I was driving my daughter to camp. As we were travelling down 9W, we passed a man with a sign on the corner asking for work or food. Suddenly she is shouting at me.
H: Why is he standing there?
P: Because he is hungry and is looking for someone to give him food or money or work.
H: Can we give him some of our money?
P: That's very nice of you. On my way back from taking you to camp, I'll stop at Dunkin Donuts and get him a sandwich or donut and a drink. What do you think? Should I get a sandwich, donut or both?
H: Donut!
P: I think I'll get both. I'm not sure a donut by itself is a healthy breakfast.
And that's how I met George.
I wish I could tell you that George is now gainfully employed or no longer on that corner, but I have only seen him and said hi to him once more.
One of the most repeated verses in our Torah is a command to care for those less fortunate, in Biblical language, the widow, the orphan, the stranger. Thinking about this lesson, makes me consider the lessons we try to teach our families, the legacies we create.
For many, an ethical will is a powerful tool, giving them an opportunity to write about their values, to think about their values, to share their values. On November 1, I will invite you to join me for that moving activity. Yet, what do we do on a daily basis to teach our loved ones our values? What lessons do we wish our children, our grandchildren, our students and friends to know? What is the legacy we wish to teach?
Central to that legacy, is to be a good person, a mentsch, maybe even a tzaddik, a righteous person. We strive to be the best selves that we can, to use every resource we have to live our best lives. And yet, I fear that too often we accidentally teach the lesson that the “one with the most toys wins”? (Says the one desiring the new iphone and enjoying his new previous generation apple watch!) Like all of us, I know that I have work to do!
This morning we read one of the most traumatic parenting stories of the Torah: The Akedah, Abraham binding his son on the altar, even lifting the knife to sacrifice his son, with only the angels repeated call, “Abraham, Abraham” stopping him and bringing him back from the brink. In our history, in times of martyrdom, and anti-Jewish violence, there are even tales that rewrite the story, claiming Isaac WAS sacrificed and then resurrected. However we read it, it is a central piece of the Jewish and Abrahamic tradition--that Abraham showed his faith in God--in his own symbolic Father--and was willing to sacrifice his child for the greater good. We might imagine that few of us would make the same choice, yet we all do every single year. We know that our country needs protection, a military. We know that serving can lead to sacrifice, but those sacrifices ensure our freedom and every year there are new volunteers. Personally, I attempt to express my appreciation for those who have served, while knowing thanks alone is inadequate.
We want to teach our children that there are some ideals for which we would be willing to give up our lives for. How do we determine what those ideals are?
From the Jewish perspective, we have a tremendous gift, we have the history, the traditions, the blessings of our faith. Yesterday I mentioned the questions we are asked in heaven--the idea that actions have consequences! Judaism has numerous sacred texts. From the Torah to the Talmud, to rabbinic writings in every generation, we are part of a chain of tradition to Sinai and beyond. We read the stories of our ancestors over and over again. We hafoch ba v hafoch ba, turn them over and over and discover new meanings and lessons for every generation. Yet for so many today, Judaism seems a distant memory. Of course, if you are in this room, on this sacred day, you feel a pull, yet what is the daily connection?
My challenge to you is take one day and see how you spend your time. What do you spend the most time on? What the least? What do you REALLY prioritize? Do your goals and desires match how you actually use your time?
Once we know how we really spend our time, then we can make the changes that we would like. We know the spaces in our day, the places where we have flexibility. Looking at my own day, I know facebook is a useful tool to communicate with you, yet it can easily become a black hole of lost productivity. The iPhone I use to text you and email can create a false sense of connection and break my attention from the ones in front of me, the faces of God that you are, that my wife and children are. For that I publicly apologize, I know that I have made progress, but there is still work to do!
The miracle of Jewish life is that it can fit into all those little spaces. We can do ten minutes of Torah instead of ten minutes of our iphones. We can pray for three minutes instead of another three minutes of facebook. The very devices that can be our sources of distraction can also be sources of inspiration and connection. There is more Torah on the internet than existed before. One can easily argue that there are more people studying Torah today than there were in the shtetls!
Every morning, when we give ourselves the chance of blessing our study of Torah, we can read the following passage in our Siddur:
“There are the deeds that yield immediate fruit (benefit) and continue to yield fruit in time to come: honoring parents; doing deeds of loving kindness; attending the house of study in a timely way morning and evening; providing hospitality; visiting the sick; helping a needy bride; attending to the dead; investigating (the meaning of) prayer; making shalom between one person and another (and between a husband and wife, some add). The most basic of these deeds which has an inclusive nature is the study of Torah.” based on Shabbat 127a
Each of these encourages us to treat others well, to ensure they are fed and clothed, but they also have an introspective reminder as well, to give ourselves time to be spiritually nourished. We may find moments of tranquility in our yoga or meditation, our time in the mountains or at the beach, looking at great art or reading inspiring works of fiction and fact, yet as Jews, we have all this and more. We have the gift of community, of Torah and its deep reminders of the value of our time.
Thinking about the gift of time, I think about how we use ours. Most of the time, we are generally decent people. We give what we can to charity, to the synagogue. We are nice to most people. We try to respect one another, yet sometimes we forget the most important gift we have--time. For many, Shabbat can be the most classic reminder of this sacred gift. Giving ourselves even a taste of Shabbat, a Shabbat dinner or an hour at synagogue reminds us that the world is always turning, but we do not have to be. In popular culture, I think of the music of Harry Chapin, who in 1974 put his wife, Sandy’s poem, to music:
the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, Dad
I don't know when, but we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
As the lyrics return to you, you may remember the story of a father too busy to play with son. The son ages, comes home from college, doesn’t have time for his dad and then eventually dad, now grandpa wants to see his grandchildren and his son has no time for him. Basically it is every parent’s nightmare in one song with a catchy tune.
The song’s closing line:
“And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like me./ My boy was just like me.”
Yet what the song teaches so clearly, is that while our children and grandchildren may listen to us--especially when we would prefer they don’t!--what they really learn from is the choices we make--how we use our time.
The choices we make are always on view. It’s not just what we share on facebook. How we spend our time is seen by those we love and those we know. Intuitively we know children are always watching, always listening, yet we forget over and over again (until they tell Aunt Jeannie, that Mom said she’s a bad driver!). It is a simple lesson that needs frequent repetition--live the life we want to teach. If we want to teach that something is important, we have to live like it is! The way we spend our time often demonstrates our values. If I really wanted to go to the gym, I’d stop whining about it and I’d actually go!
I recently skimmed through a book whose title I can’t entirely repeat here: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.
“What pain do you want to sustain?” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.
If we can teach our children how to deal when things don’t go right, when they fail, when we fail, then they can discover their and our true characters--hopefully it is one filled with kindness, with respect, with love!
The lessons I have shared this morning seem intuitive. They seem obvious, yet they are the lessons that need the most reinforcement. Even the sunniest of people sometimes need a reminder to pause, think and be kind before responding. Even the most charitable among us must remember why we give. Even the most cynical among us can learn to see the gifts of faith. Even the busiest among us know that time is a gift.
Today I have asked perhaps too many questions. I have mused on priorities and the centrality of Judaism to our lives. I have considered what it means to be a Jewish parent and how we determine what is a principle worth dying for. While these Days of Awe may seem time-limited, our tradition teaches us that every single day is an opportunity to reflect and consider. Pirkei Avot 2:11 says “Rabbi Eliezer would say: The honor of your fellow should be as precious to you as your own, and do not be easy to anger. Repent one day before your death”. If you remember nothing else from my words today: We always have another day to change our ways--even unto our last day!
