When the rabbi mourns

On Rosh Hashanah, I am going to tell a story about missed connections. A narrative about love and loss, I use it as an example of many people's relationships with Gd. Right now though, I am thinking about it much more literally.

One of the challenges of moving to a new community is making friends. Unlike in college or when you are a child, making friends as adults is a bit more complicated. In some ways, it can feel like dating, with all the awkwardness and "should I call or text" that is involved.

Last year I met someone at a Jcc program who seemed like a genuinely nice guy. We exchanged information and said we'd get together but then never really did. A few months later, his father passed away and I went to the shiva. We spoke more substantively and made more concrete plans, which fell through.

A few weeks ago, I picked up the phone and made a call.  He was having surgery and I had a day that I couldn't move anything-and then was going out of town. I told him to call in a couple weeks and that I would come visit him at home during his recovery. I returned from vacation and started planning for the high holidays and then it was too late.  Infection set in and he wasn't recovering. I heard he was in hospice, called the hospital and was mistakenly told that even clergy couldn't visit after hours.  Tomorrow I will go to his funeral.

Now I mourn. I mourn for the loss of a young man, a teacher, of all the lost potential. I mourn for a friendship that never really was.  I mourn for my community, my city, my county, for one who had so much to give and gave his all.

As a rabbi, I strongly believe that shiva, Shloshim and yahrzeit are powerful mourning tools, allowing us to connect to our community and to Gd when we need them most. The challenge is when we are not official mourners.  What do we do when we do not fit into that system?

 I know a colleague and teacher recently wrote a book on his experiences with faith and loss of friends and community members. I guess I'll need to pick it up. https://wipfandstock.com/store/Faith_Unravels_A_Rabbis_Struggle_with_Grief_and_God

All in all, I'm not worried about my faith or my connection with Gd, I'm just sad for what could have been and of a nice guy, who had a tough life cut short.