Rabbi Philip Weintraub
Congregation Agudas Israel
Parshat Vaera
12/28/2013
What does it mean to be listener or a leader? When do they overlap and when are they different categories? In our parsha, Va’era, we hear about the dynamics of Gd, Moses, Aaron and later on, Pharaoh.
In this parsha (and others), we find Moshe as a reluctant leader. He feels that he does not have the necessary skills. He is not a comfortable speaker. He fears people will not listen to him or will not respect him. He goes to his mentor, GD, with these concerns and GD does not seem to respond.
י וַיְדַבֵּר ה", אֶל-מֹשֶׁה לֵּאמֹר.
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10 And the LORD spoke unto Moses, saying:
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יא בֹּא דַבֵּר, אֶל-פַּרְעֹה מֶלֶךְ מִצְרָיִם; וִישַׁלַּח אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, מֵאַרְצוֹ.
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11 'Go in, speak unto Pharaoh king of Egypt, that he let the children of Israel go out of his land.'
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יב וַיְדַבֵּר מֹשֶׁה, לִפְנֵי ה" לֵאמֹר: הֵן בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, לֹא-שָׁמְעוּ אֵלַי, וְאֵיךְ יִשְׁמָעֵנִי פַרְעֹה, וַאֲנִי עֲרַל שְׂפָתָיִם. {פ}
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12 And Moses spoke before the LORD, saying: 'Behold, the children of Israel have not hearkened unto me; how then shall Pharaoh hear me, who am of uncircumcised lips?' {P}
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יג וַיְדַבֵּר ה", אֶל-מֹשֶׁה וְאֶל-אַהֲרֹן, וַיְצַוֵּם אֶל-בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְאֶל-פַּרְעֹה מֶלֶךְ מִצְרָיִם--לְהוֹצִיא אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל, מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם. {ס}
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13 And the LORD spoke unto Moses and unto Aaron, and gave them a charge unto the children of Israel, and unto Pharaoh king of Egypt, to bring the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt. {S}
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GD seems to ignore Moses’ concern. Yet, he now begins to speak to Aaron, as well. In effect, Gd appoints Aaron as Moses’ spokesperson, and then continues as if nothing happened! The rest of the chapter details genealogies and it is not until chapter 7 that we hear more about this appointment. There we hear:
א וַיֹּאמֶר ה" אֶל-מֹשֶׁה, רְאֵה נְתַתִּיךָ אֱלֹהִים לְפַרְעֹה; וְאַהֲרֹן אָחִיךָ, יִהְיֶה נְבִיאֶךָ.
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1 And the LORD said unto Moses: 'See, I have set thee in God's stead to Pharaoh; and Aaron thy brother shall be thy prophet.
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ב אַתָּה תְדַבֵּר, אֵת כָּל-אֲשֶׁר אֲצַוֶּךָּ; וְאַהֲרֹן אָחִיךָ יְדַבֵּר אֶל-פַּרְעֹה, וְשִׁלַּח אֶת-בְּנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל מֵאַרְצוֹ.
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2 Thou shalt speak all that I command thee; and Aaron thy brother shall speak unto Pharaoh, that he let the children of Israel go out of his land.
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ג וַאֲנִי אַקְשֶׁה, אֶת-לֵב פַּרְעֹה; וְהִרְבֵּיתִי אֶת-אֹתֹתַי וְאֶת-מוֹפְתַי, בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם.
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3 And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt.
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So on the one hand, Gd was a clear leader. Gd heard Moses’ concern and immediately addressed it. Gd solved the problem, forcing Moses to confront his issues and move on.
I wonder how this method of mentoring would work in the modern day. If I were to go to one of my rabbinic colleagues/mentors, I would hope they would address my concerns, rather than just fixing them. Yet, Gd does exactly that.
When we hear a problem are we supposed to fix it or listen and allow the person to make their own plan?
Regarding this issue we sometimes speak about gender dynamics. Whether true or not, some say that “women listen” and “men fix.” I am sure we could find dozens of examples where this is absolutely true or absolutely false, but I think that ideally, listening and fixing are two very important tools in our interpersonal toolbox.
As most of you know, one of the ways I continue my rabbinic education is through clinical-pastoral education, CPE. CPE is a program that focuses on listening. We are to be non-judgmental, calming presences. The focus is on hearing people where they are. It is not about doing nothing, but about helping the person feel their feelings, recognize their situation and decide what they need to do. Rather than giving a person the “answer”, the focus is on helping them discover their choices for themselves. Being present and allowing them to consider their own feelings or choices can be very powerful, especially when one is present with people who rarely get to consider their own actions or feelings.
On the other hand, there are many cases when giving a solution is quite helpful. In the military, it is much better for soldiers to follow orders than to write their own. In an operating room, the surgeon tells those around her what they need to do. In one’s own home, sometimes it is better for a parent to say “this is what we are having for dinner.”
At the same time, Rashi, our friendly medieval rabbi and commentator, writes that the midrash emphasizes that Pharaoh must be spoken to with respect to his position. Even as Gd commands them to tell Pharaoh “let my people go”, he reminds them that they must respect the dignity due to his office. (This is a lesson many in politics should remember!) Yet, it is not just for those in positions of power. When we talk to others, whether we are listening or trying to solve their problems, we must show them the appropriate respect. I think this says a lot about the Jewish tradition that even as Gd helped the Jewish people leave Egypt, with all of the signs and wonders, we were still concerned about Pharaoh’s feelings and public image!
I read an article recently about parenting. It was about how a father interacted with his children. As they were growing up, he would regularly advise them how to deal with different situations. After awhile, he realized he was missing out. He was not giving them the space to discover their own solutions. One day he decided to try just listening. He found out that his children had gained great problem-solving skills in spite of him. When given the opportunity, they could find their own way to reason. He also discovered that sometimes a problem did not need to be solved at all. Sometimes his children just wanted him to empathize, to acknowledge that teenage life (like all life) isn’t always fair, that friends can be mean and frustrating.
In the Jewish tradition, shalom bayit, peace in the home is a very important value. It is so important that Gd told a lie of omission to Abraham to preserve his peace with Sarah! In the interests of shalom bayit, sometimes it can be helpful for partners to think about what kind of conversation they are having. Do they want their spouse to ONLY listen and empathize OR do they want suggestions OR somewhere in between?
Gd and Moses in THIS place in Torah offer us one model, but it is NOT the only one.
Questions to ponder:
Are there sources in the Torah that demonstrate empathetic listening?
How do we decide what model to use in any given situation.
