Congregation Agudas Israel
Parshat Haya Sarah
November 10, 2012
Life changes in a moment. We expect one thing and discover another. For many across our area, who struggled through Hurricane Sandy, a Nor’easter came through the other day, complicating power outages, extending time without normal resources. In NYC, Long Island, and New Jersey, gas is being rationed as stations struggle to fill-up with refinery production down and consistent power still difficult. Our neighbor, Rabbi Freedman, was called up by the Reserves and is packing boxes of food and supplies in NYC, possibly as we speak!
This morning I had originally planned to speak about the parsha, Haya Sarah and the irony (or not) of a parsha entitled the “life of Sarah” opening with her death and closing with the death of Abraham. I might have discussed that the parsha was appropriately titled, since the majority of the parsha is about Sarah’s legacy, about her son Isaac and the arrangement of his marriage to Rebecca. I might have made connections to the joy I have with my own Rebecca and how we are a testament to the values of our ancestors when we live our lives according to those values. On that note, I might have discussed the loss of Sylvia Golub and how her family was trying to live out her Jewish values. Since there are so many serious matters in Genesis, I wanted to talk about the joys of relationship, of connecting to the Divine and the community. I might even have discussed that today/yesterday is the anniversary of Kristallnacht, the night of the broken glass, which was a precursor to the Nazi atrocities.
One of these days I will give a sermon that follows the “rules” and structure of sermons, but today is not one of those days. Instead I want to mention a very important subject. On Thursday I was at a meeting of the Greater Newburgh Ministerial Association. Before I get to the important subject that I have yet to mention, I want to invite you to the Newburgh Interfaith Thanksgiving Service. It is 7PM at the Ebeneezer Baptist Church, Tuesday November 20.
The important subject of the GNMA meeting was domestic violence. We had a speaker from Safe Homes of Orange County. Their focus is on helping individuals in abusive relationships escape the clutches of their partners. While it is not exclusively to protect women from abusive men, that is the majority of their clientele. At the same time, people can be abused from either gender, in same-sex relationships and unfortunately children can also be abused by their parents. In conversation with the clergy, she discussed how faith can be both a support and a barrier for individuals to escape damaging relationships. Many religious people (especially Christians) believe that religion does not accept divorce. In the Jewish tradition, while divorce is halachically acceptable, we place a premium on Shalom Bayit, on peace in the home, and so many people choose to remain in abusive relationships so as not to break that bond.
From the safe homes website:
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior used to maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Domestic violence has its roots in sexism and the historical oppression of women.
Intimate-partner violence occurs in families of all social, racial, economic, educational and religious backgrounds. It is present in towns, suburbs, rural areas and neighborhoods. While women with fewer economic resources may seek help more often or report domestic violence more frequently, it doesn’t mean that women in the upper and middle classes are less likely to be victimized. Economic advantages can improve a woman's options and resources and facilitate access to readily-available private services--resulting in underreported violence.
Myths and Misperception Versus Reality (also from SafeHOMES)
--Myth: Alcohol and drug abuse cause intimate-partner violence.
Reality: Alcohol and drug abuse do not cause intimate-partner violence. In the presence of alcohol and drug abuse, violence may increase or become more severe, and existent violent behavior may intensify.
Sixty-five percent of intimate-partner violence cases DO NOT involve drugs or alcohol. Many batterers do not abuse alcohol or drugs, and many alcohol or drug abusers do not batter. Chemical dependency treatment will not cure battering; the two problems need to be addressed separately. The alcohol abuse rate for abused women is similar to that of the general female population, 7 to 14 percent. Moreover, a woman's alcohol abuse does not justify being battered.
--Myth: Battered women are masochistic and crazy; they provoke and enjoy their abuse.
Reality: Women do not provoke or deserve battering. They deserve a violence-free life. As it happens with rape, an attempt is made to blame the victim for the behavior of the attacker. Abusers commonly blame their battering on alcohol and drug abuse, minor frustrations, and/or the words or behavior of their partner. However, the abuser's use of violence is the abuser's choice. There are non-violent ways to deal with anger.
A battered woman's reactions to the violence are normal, given the circumstances, and the reactions are often necessary for survival. She is not crazy. She still hopes her partner will change, and indeed, he may show remorse and good times may follow. However, over time, remorse and good times will decrease, while the abuse and violence escalate.
--Myth: Men who abuse women are mentally ill and not responsible for their actions.
Reality: Battering is a learned behavior from childhood experiences and from social messages condoning violence against women. Psychological tests have repeatedly shown that men who abuse women do not differ from the "normal" male. Lenore Walker's study* showed that batterers had learned as children that violence was an appropriate response to anger. Abusers are not out of control; they are attempting to gain control over their partner through demands, threats, and physical abuse. They deny and minimize the violence; they blame their partners for the violence. The violent behaviors of abusers will continue as long as society refuses to treat intimate-partner violence as a serious crime and impose serious consequences.
Are You In An Abusive Relationship?
Domestic violence can take many different forms. It involves physical, emotional, mental, economical, and sexual abuse. At first, the control and manipulation a partner uses can be very subtle. The abuse can and will escalate over time. Answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions:- Does your partner continually criticize what you wear, what you say, how you act and how you look?
- Does your partner humiliate or make fun of you in public places and social situations?
- Does your partner often call you insulting and degrading names?
- Do you feel like you need to ask permission to go out and see your friends and family?
- Do you turn down invitations to be with your friends and family because your partner will be angry at you for joining them?
- Do you feel you need to apologize to people or make up excuses for your partner's behavior?
- Do you feel like no matter what you do, everything is always your fault?
- If you're late getting home, does your partner harass you about where you were and who you were with?
- Has your partner threatened to hurt you or the children if you leave?
- Does your partner force you to have sex whether you want to or not?
- Are you afraid to say no to sex?
- Have you been repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
- Does your partner restrict you from getting a job or going to school?
- Has your partner hit you or threatened to hit you?
- Has your partner ever pushed, shoved, kicked or slapped you?
- Do you ever explain away bruises, cuts, or other injuries as results of how "clumsy" you are?
- Do you feel nervous or afraid for your safety when your partner becomes angry?
- Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
- Are you frightened by your partner's violence towards other people or animals?
- Do you change your behavior or "walk on eggshells," depending on your partner's mood?
- Do you ever think "If only I was prettier", or "If only I cleaned the house better", or "If only I had kept the children quieter", etc., "then my partner wouldn't have been angry?"
Jewish resources include:
JWI is the leading Jewish organization empowering women and girls - through economic literacy; community training; healthy relationship education; and the proliferation of women’s leadership.
Is there really abuse in the Jewish community?
Abuse does not favor one religious, economic, religious, or ethnic group over another. It is found in all groups—including the Jewish community. It also does not favor more conservative or more liberal groups—it is found across the spectrum of Jewish affiliations (and lack of affiliation). We do not have good numbers as to the incidence of abuse in the Jewish community; many Jews and Jewish groups are uncooperative in identifying the problem. Many involved in the field suggest that the incidence of abuse is on par with that of other communities.
Am I the only Jewish woman who has ever been abused?
Because of the long history of stereotypes—Jewish men make the best husbands (truth is, many of them do, although the Jewish community does not have a monopoly on this market!) and that Jewish marriages are loving, supportive and solid—it has been difficult for Jewish women to identify themselves as being abused, difficult to get the help that they need, and difficult to make hard decisions about their futures.
What does Judaism have to say about abuse?
Jewish tradition is very clear: it is forbidden for one person to harm another. This includes physical abuse: the Talmud states that it is forbidden to even raise a hand against another; sexual abuse: Jewish law recognized the unacceptability of marital rape more than 2,000 years ago; emotional abuse: Jewish law prohibits humiliating or belittling another person through word and deed; and economic abuse: the Talmud states that a husband must generously provide for his family (in today’s society this responsibility is often shared by both partners).
Isn’t it lashon ha-ra (slander) to speak out against an abuser?
“Lashon ha-ra” is the Hebrew phrase for derogatory speech which includes libel and slander. The Torah states (Lev. 19:16): “You shall not walk around as a talebearer against your people; do not stand on the blood of your neighbor.” This verse is interpreted to mean that speaking lashon ha-ra is tantamount to murdering them (in fact you can easily kill someone’s reputation this way). It is often assumed that speaking critically about an abuser would be restricted by this verse. Nothing could be further than the truth! In fact, just as speech can be a killer—so too can silence. If remaining silent will bring harm there is an obligation to speak out against a perpetrator, even if his reputation will be damaged.
Must I forgive my abuser?
Forgiveness is dependent upon “Teshuvah” (repentance) and must be earned. Until a perpetrator is sincerely contrite, makes up for all of the harm—both physical and emotional—that he caused, earnestly asks for forgiveness, and never repeats the harms committed, forgiveness is not required. These steps are difficult and take a long time. For many they are impossible. Although forgiveness may not be required, it is left to each individual to determine what is in her best interest as far as her own healing and her ability to move on into the future are concerned.
I wanted to share this with you not to accuse anyone of this behavior, but so that our community knows that this conversation is acceptable here. We must make a statement that abuse, in any form, is unacceptable. We must make it clear that our shul, our home is and should always be a safe space, a place free of danger from others, no matter how close they are to home!
Shabbat Shalom
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