Kol Nidre-thank to Rabbi Shai Held at Machon Hadar

Rabbi Philip Weintraub
Congregation Agudas Israel
Kol Nidre 5773, 2012

Thanks to Rabbi Shai Held at Machon Hadar for the texts for this drash.
On Wednesday July 11,  I participated in a Yom Iyun, a day of in-depth study, on the topic “Loving and living with others: Exploring Interpersonal Relationships.”  Studying at Machon Hadar, an egalitarian, yet traditional Yeshiva, I learned from Rabbis Shai Held, Ethan Tucker and Avital Hochstein.  This evening, I want to share with you some ideas and texts from Rabbi Held’s presentation:  “Judaism’s Fourth Cardinal Sin: Better to Die than Humiliate Another.”
It was a really interesting day, studying Torah with lots of different people.  Some were rabbinical students; some were college students studying Torah for the summer; some were business people that took a week off work to study Torah and others were people that took one day to look deeply at Jewish texts and how they talk about treating people.
You might ask “Why do you need Jewish texts to treat people with respect?”  What does Judaism have to add to that conversation?  You might say “Of course Judaism says you have to be respectful of others, how could it take an entire day to learn that?”  While some of the texts were familiar to me, others were new.  I would like to spend a few moments sharing with you the wisdom of our sages.

You may have heard that in the Jewish tradition there are three cardinal sins, which if someone held a gun to your head, you should die rather than violate.  According to the Talmud, Tractate Sanhedrin (74a),

Every transgression in the Torah, if they say to a person, transgress and you will not be killed, he should not transgress and not be killed, except for idolatry, sexual immorality, and murder.

Yet according to many Jewish sources, there may be one more!

In another tractate of the Talmud, Bava Metzia (59a), which generally deals with business, it is written in the name of

R. Simeon b. Yohai: It is preferable for a person to throw himself into a fiery furnace rather than publicly humiliate his neighbor. How do we know this? From Tamar, for it is written, "As she was being brought out. she sent this message to her father-in-law."

R. Shimon bar Yochai says that given the choice, we should throw ourselves into a raging fire than humiliate ourselves.  I guess USWeekly, People, Entertainment Weekly, TMZ, and others should all be out of business!  So who is Tamar?  What is her story and how do we learn from her that it’s better to die than humiliate someone else?

Tamar’s story is that she was the wife of one of Judah’s sons, named Er.  Er died, childless, so according to the law, Tamar married Er’s brother, Onan.  Onan didn’t like the idea of fathering a child in his brother’s name, so when the time came for him to consummate the relationship, he did not complete his task, and was struck down by Gd.  Judah’s third son, Shelah, was younger and Judah told Tamar to go home and wait until he called her--making it pretty clear that he would not be calling for quite awhile  Now, the problem for Tamar was that she could not marry anyone until Shelah either publicly says he will not marry her or marries and divorces her.  As such Tamar is in limbo, an agunah, a chained woman.  To rectify this status, she dresses as a prostitute and waits for Judah (who recently lost his wife) to walk by her spot.  He propositions her but does not have payment.  He leaves the ancient equivalent of driver’s license and credit card--staff and seal and then sends a servant later to pay, at which point the “prostitute” is nowhere to be found.  Genesis 38 continues:

About three months later. Judah was told, "your daughter-in-law Tamar has played the harlot; in fact. she is with child by harlotry." "Bring her out," said Judah, "and let her be bumed." As she was being brought out, she sent this message to her father-in-law: "I am with child by the man to whom these belong." And she added, "Examine these: whose seal and cord and staff are these?"

Judah recognized them. and said, "She is more in the right than I, inasmuch as I did not give her to my son Shelah." And he was not intimate with her again.

וַיֹּאמֶר צָדְקָה מִמֶּנִּ--She is more right than me.

Rather than publicly embarrassing Judah, by saying that he was the one looking for a consort, she speaks quietly and lets Judah implicate himself.  Even at the time when she could be executed, she does not rush to save herself, as it might embarrass Judah.  That is a pretty powerful moment!

Can you imagine, standing before someone who wants to have you executed and rather than publicly defending yourself against false charges, you slip a note to the prosecutor saying that he is the one who should be tried??  After this day of study, I realized how incredibly powerful Tamar is.  She stood up for what was right, took what was being denied her, and simultaneously found a way to be kind to everyone at the same time.

Continuing on this theme, we moved from Talmudic times, back to Biblical times and now I want us to look at a source from the middle ages, the Tosafot, from medieval Europe. When discussing Tractate Sotah 10b, they quote our verse and expand it.

"It is preferable for a person to hurl himself into a fiery furnace'’, it says in Bava Metzia: "All of those who descend to Gehenna eventually return, except for three-and one of them is the one who publicly humiliates his neighbor" (BM 58b). And it says, "It is preferable for a person to co-habit with a woman who may be married rather than publicly humiliate his neighbor. How do we know this? From David"[and Bathsheba] (BM 59a).

Imagine that!  Have we ever been in a place where we could have spoken ill of someone else and didn’t?  Have we ever been in a place when we could have spoken ill of someone and did?  According to these texts, that is pretty problematic.  The biggest challenge is that it is a sin so many of us are guilty of.  We live in a society that sees speaking of others as the cost of doing business, the cost of winning an election, the cost of interesting news on tv, the internet or magazines.  We see British royalty publicly embarrassed by photographers with zoom lenses from thousands of feet away. We remember not so long ago, Princess Diana killed because we all wanted one more photograph.  We see Presidents and potential presidents speaking of their opponents with derision and sharing stories that may or may not be based in reality.

While I am not saying that we are all going straight to Gehenna for this, I do wonder about the cost of a society where this is acceptable.  Of course, the alternative is not so pretty either.  Looking around the world, we see countries where any disagreement is met with violence, any threat to the government or religion is seen as blasphemy that must be avenged.  Over and over, we see that our Constitution’s right of free speech is a powerful blessing, and restrictions on it are very dangerous.  Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote in 1906, describing Voltaire, but frequently misattributed to him, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”  I think of the disgusting speech of the KKK, neo-Nazis, or the Phelps church, yet I would not want to live anywhere where I could be arrested for disagreeing with the government!  Our challenge today is: how do we create a culture where we allow people the freedom to say whatever they wish, but take the responsibility not to intentionally hurt others?

In Turkey, three hundred years ago lived a rabbi by the name of R’ Eliyahu Hakohen.  He spoke of the challenge of speech.    He said it is OUR responsibility to guard our tongues.  Speaking of the severity of publicly humiliating someone else, he said it was “worse than murdering someone.”  How could it be worse?  It’s worse, because

when the person who has been humiliated sees the people who were witness to his humiliation, he is humiliated all over again, and his blood is spilled repeatedly. When you murder someone, you kill them once, but when you humiliate them, you kill them over and over again.

The challenge with speech is that it is so easy to say something and so difficult to take it back. I think of the student at Rutgers, who committed suicide after being exposed publicly by his roommate.  I think of the middle school and high school students that commit suicide after relentless bullying.  I think of the damage to a company that can come when a product is defective or seems defective.  How many recalls are done for fear something might happen rather than because something actually has?  (I strongly believe that is how it should be, as I would much rather have Tylenol or Advil pull a batch of pills before many people are sickened.)

What I am teaching and asking tonight is how do we talk to others and how might we reconsider it?  In our own building we have had numerous rumors and misdirections about what Kol Yisrael is and what it ought to be.  For more information, please attend the Sukkah celebration on October 7.

When I went into the city on July 11, I also spent a little time with my great aunt, Esther.  I speak of her because she might be like many people in our community.  She is an active, widowed woman.  She gets out , socializes and travels solo.  Yet, she can be lonely, at times.  She loves and appreciates visits and calls from family and friends, spending time with the ones she loves, who are so frequently busy elsewhere, and no longer live nearby.  As I spoke this evening about how important it is not to embarrass others, to work together and find the best in one another, I also need to remind myself and others the importance of reaching out.  As Jews, not only must we work to curb negativity and inaction, but we must also do positive things.  It is not enough to just not be mean, we must be kind.  It is not enough to not be a jerk or not humiliate people, rather we must actively look to see the best in others.  

We are very blessed at Congregation Agudas Israel.  We have a group of people that share a common goal and purpose and genuinely care about each other.  Our challenge is in expanding that circle.  With the addition of the JCC and Temple Beth Jacob through the auspices of Kol Yisrael, we have many opportunities to treat each other with respect and kindness.  I pray that we see this as an opportunity for cooperation and caring, rather than as an opportunities for condescension, competitiveness and rudeness.
To me this is one of the most important topics we can discuss on Yom Kippur.  As we think of gaining atonement, of asking forgiveness, the best tshuva, the best repentance we can do is to plan for a year when we will have little for which to repent.  What would our lives look like if we only saw the best in others, if we were to dan l’chaf zchut, judge others with merit?  What would the world look like?  As we continue our Kol Yisrael adventure, we will have many more opportunities to see the best in others.  Let’s try it together now!  
Turn to p. . . .